As the year comes to an end and we start a new one, everyone seems to think because it’s a different year that all this shit is going to be done differently.  Get over yourself, if your overweight your still going to eat those double cheeseburgers, if you’ve smoked for ten years you might as well make it 11, I usually tend to avoid making resolutions cause I know two weeks in I will lose interest.

 However, one thing everyone on earth seems to agree with is that to bring in the new year it is very appropriate to get shit canned while you slur your way through the countdown at midnight with all kinds of people you probably didn’t see all that much the past year and don’t plan on seeing all that much the coming year.  It seems like even people who don’t major in blacking out kind of step their game up a little bit on this day.  That can be a dangerous mix of grizzled veteran drinkers mingling with the rookies who have two Mikes Hard Lemonades and are making out with the cat.  New Year’s parties are usually pretty entertaining for that fact, but if I’m not completely blacked out myself, I’m probably not enjoying the party.  I thought I’d explore a couple things on how to successfully navigate your NYE party.


First off, lets touch on a point I made earlier about how people who aren’t used to browning out tend to head on over to the dark side for this annual party.  What’s your deal?  You stick to your 2-3 drinks on a weekend night all 51 other weekends, why try and be something you aren’t for the other?  I’m talking to you girl throwing up at 10:30 causing a tremendously frustrating line for the pisser that will ultimately lead to people finding other “creative” places to relieve themselves.  Also you, Mr. I just finished a semester so I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, who will annoyingly remind everyone every 5 minutes how far away we are from midnight.  Do yourselves a favor and avoid the embarrassment you will most certainly wake up to the next morning and think was “cute” or “funny,” trust me, your performance was neither.  Stick to the wine spritzers and Lite beer and let the pros show you how to stumble and slur.

If you’re going to make just an offensive amount of jello shots, make sure to keep them out of reach for the guy who after everyone is passed out that’s still scavenging for whatever booze he can find doesn’t locate them.  You know you made entirely too many, because face it, if you do more than a handful of jello shots, your spewing straight jello after your next whiskey pull, but I digress.  You don’t want this booze scavenger to find them, because if he finds them then you will find a nice pile of regurgitated Jello somewhere clever in the 10 foot radius that he passed out in and you better pray it wasn’t in your walking path when you get up.

If you’ve been in a long dry spell then NYE might be your best shot to get laid, at least until Mid-February or St. Patty’s day.  Nothing makes people feel lonely like standing around while 80% of the party is trying to see who can jam their tongue farther down each other’s throats.  My advice is to try and use that whole corny midnight kiss line first, I mean if it is there, then use it, but if you strike out with that one, don’t worry.  Pay close attention to the rest of the party at midnight if your aren’t locked in a tongue wrestling match, the ones that have been left out will be feeling extra down on themselves and will more than likely hop on the next thing that pays attention to them.  So stand back scan the crowd and go after the best of the worst.  Even if this doesn’t work, you still have option 3 and this may be the trickiest one to pull off, but no sense in giving up just yet.  Keep an eye on the drunkest dude whose hooking up with a chick and monitor that situation.  He will have your target buttered up and ready to go and she will be extremely vulnerable and lonely when her date has pissed himself and passed out in the coat closet he mistook for the bathroom.  An even ballsier move is to help him by showing him to that coat closet and explain to him that the host actually enjoys when people pee on their Eddie Bauer leather jacket.  Not an easy one to pull off, but I’ve seen bigger upsets.Image

Hopefully you’ve made it past midnight still conscious at this point and the party is starting to fall off, between people going home with each other and others passing out, you decide it is time to get out of there.  Don’t be an idiot and drink and drive, cops do actually know that people drink more on NYE.  Not to mention all the drunks trying to get home so they can score having thrown logic to the wind because they have sex on the brain.  Good luck getting a cab, probably won’t happen or at the very least you will be waiting longer than you will be able to stay up.  Swallow your pride and sleep on the kitchen table if you have to.  Or you can always not be a broke ass and get a hotel room within walking distance, whatever you do, don’t be that guy who goes to jail for DUI and then has nobody sober enough to come get you out or worse.  Happy New Year.



~ by kcuncensored on December 30, 2011.

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